Our friends over at Living the Scientific Life (Scientist, Interrupted) recently posted a list of 50 Atheist sayings a reader had spotted on tee shirts and bumper stickers. They are freakin’ hilarious and oh so true. So here they are to make your weekend a little more enjoyable.
- Abstinence Makes the Church Grow Fondlers
- Honk If Your Religious Beliefs Make You An Asshole
- Intelligent Design Makes My Monkey Cry
- Too Stupid to Understand Science? Try Religion.
- There’s A REASON Why Atheists Don’t Fly Planes Into Buildings
- “Worship Me or I Will Torture You Forever. Have a Nice Day.” God.
- God Doesn’t Kill People. People Who Believe in God Kill People.
- If There is No God, Then What Makes the Next Kleenex Pop Up?
- He’s Dead. It’s Been 2,000 years. He’s Not Coming Back. Get OVER It Already!
- All religion is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry. ~ Edgar Allen Poe.
- Viva La Evolución!
- Actually, If You Look It Up, The Winter Solstice Is The Reason For The Season
- I Wouldn’t Trust Your God Even If He Did Exist
- Cheeses Is Lard. Argue With THAT If You Can.
- People Who Don’t Want Their Beliefs Laughed at Shouldn’t Have Such Funny Beliefs
- Jesus is Coming? Don’t Swallow That.
- Threatening Children With Hell Is FUN!
- GOD – APPLY DIRECTLY TO FOREHEAD!
- Jesus Told Me Republicans SUCK
- God + Whacky Tobacky = Platypus
- God Doesn’t Exist. So, I Guess That Means No One Loves You.
- When the Rapture Comes, We’ll Get Our Country Back!
- Q. How Do We Know the Holy Ghost Was Catholic?
A. He Used the Rhythm Method Instead of a Condom. - You Say “Heretic” Like It Was a BAD Thing
- I Love Christians. They Taste Like Chicken.
- Science: It Works, Bitches.
- “Intelligent Design” Helping Stupid People Feel Smart Since 1987
- I Found God Between The Sheets
- I Gave Up Superstitious Mumbo Jumbo For Lent
- My Flying Monkey Can Beat Up Your Guardian Angel
- Every Time You Play With Yourself, God Kills a Kitten
- If God Wanted People to Believe in Him, Then Why Did He Invent Logic?
- Praying Is Politically Correct Schizophrenia
- ALL Americans Are African Americans
- I Forget – Which Day Did God Make All The Fossils?
- I Was An Atheist Until The Hindus Convinced Me That I Was God
- The Spanish Inquisition: The Original Faith-based Initiative
- If we were made in his image, when why aren’t humans invisible too?
- JESUS SAVES….You From Thinking For Yourself
- How Can You Disbelieve in Evolution If You Can’t Even Define It?
- Q. How Can You Tell That Your God is Man-made?
A. If He Hates All the Same People You Do. - Every Time You See a Rainbow, God is Having Gay Sex
- I Went to Public School in Kansas and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt and a Poor Understanding of the Scientific Method.
- WWJD = We Won. Jesus Died.
- The Family That Prays Together is Brainwashing the Children
- Oh, Look, Honey Another Pro-lifer For War
- Another Godless Atheist for Peace and World Harmony
- God is Unavailable Right Now. Can I Help You?
- When Lip Service to Some Mysterious Deity Permits Bestiality on
Wednesday and Absolution on Sundays, Cash Me Out. ~ Frank Sinatra. - No Gods. No Mullets.
For all of our Religious or spiritual readers, please take this list in the light hearted manner it was intended. Or don’t and post tons of scathing replies, that’ll give me something to do on Sunday. lol
~ Summer Ludwig ~ WWJV4.com
you are a twisted bitch
Seriously, man. Read the last paragraph. If someone took this around making it their honest psilosophy, saying it in serious light, I would say something along the same lines especially if I thought god was real (although I would be FAR more candid and polite about it, saying something closer to “sir, you do realize that what you are saying contains many politically incorrect statements and unsupported assumptions; would you care to revise it to make it more politically correct? I would advise it for the sake of your own respectability”). However, this is “Light humor” making fun of the differences between peoples’ beliefs, not serious statements and beliefs, so you should not judge him based on what he wrote unless you think that all atheists are, I quote, “twisted [bitches]” in which case, I would advise you as I would him if his jokes were actual serious philosophy (as in the parentheses above).
Why thank you piggie! What a mature and “godly” response. And thanks for the shout out on CJOnline. Increased traffic is always a good thing.
Have a wonderful week!
Those jokes are more offensive to me than funny. I don’t like shaddap’s comment either.
its a nice, openminded and good collection…keep it up.
Atheist Pride.
Love these sayings.
:]
God is fake, no lies.
lol i love the wwjd one
nice sayings
ah im not going to have any friends after this… at least i will have god
… oh shit… i forgot… nvm 
… lol 
summer, one good thing is that GOD does LOVE ignorant people too. Therefore, He loves you too. Another good thing is when the world ends and I go to Heaven you will still be in denial in HELL. Have a good one.
If you want to be “cute” why don’t you discuess if you are really here! Maybe you are a figment of someone’s imagination and you don’t exist either ( wow the world would be a better place without people like you. I am not judging you – just the facts ma’am, nothing but the facts. Maybe none of us are real and it’s a dream (nightmare with you in it). How do you know that grass is green – is it really colorless? Who said? Prove it! You can tough it can’t you? But are you really touching it or are you imagining it? Maybe we are all microscopic pets of some other beings imagination – nothing exist. Are you reading this or is it real? Can you see the air? How do you know it is there? Oh, you can feel it. I feel Jesus in my heart therefore I KNOW HE EXIST! The only other thing I would love to see is the look on the faces of the ignorant fools like you when HE does come back. If you do not know and accept HIM as your Saviour than He will not know you either – therefore you really didn’t exist. So, summer, put that in your pipe and smoke it or shove it sideways up your as far as you can. LOL. Love and Prayers, Angie
Oh, your respone or anyone elses doesn’t interest me – don’t worry I won’t be back – even if it was like now by accident. No, I didn’t read it all. I have real things to do – Thank GOD you don’t exist!
Wow, I don’t know why the vindictiveness of christians continues to amaze me but it does. I feel truly sorry for you to live with such hatred for people with beliefs other than your own.
Just a little question.
If “god” sent me to hell due to my disbelief or sins, then wouldn’t “Satan” praise me for all eternity rather than punish me?
wow, you really are crazy. God? really?…. are you really that stupid and self centred that you genuinely believe that we are so important that GOD will be waiting for us when we die?. Honestly it’s so fucking stupid. You read your Bible and think that everything is going to be hunky dory aslong as you do as he says lol…. Ridiculous. Sort it out.
This was a great and very entertaining list of comebacks and saying that will greatly come in handy when another ‘christian’ tries to constantly ‘convert’ me. GREAT LIST! Thanks!
So so funny! Coming from the Godless county of the UK, I am reminded of the words of your American ambassador of goodwill and political correctness Bill Hicks when confronted by Christians. After one of his typical addresses to the crowd he was cornered by large Christians who sought to intimidate him stating that they were Christian and didn’t like his remarks, to which Bill replied “Then forgive me!”.
hahaha, that was great, it made me giggle. nice sayings. =)
Praise be to the Invisible Pink Unicorn, my lord, my savior, my All IN ALL!
this is awful, no offense. this isnt funny, it is rude. its nice that all good people will be seperated from you.
How absolutely christian to take offence to others comments in such a way. You are hilarious, believe me or I’ll kill you all….Moooahhh ha ha ha! When I’m in heaven I will laugh at your suffering……(really, you would do that? Wouldn’t you rise up against whoever would do that to someone and try to save us?) You’re saying you will only try to save me now…not then?) What kind of intregrity is that? You wouldn’t offer your spot in heaven to my children? What are you…a murderer, even worse, someone that would watch a murderer and do nothing. Again …how christian! i think I’d rather die with the infidels, but thanks anyway. Remember….one day you might disagree with the all mighty….then what? and for how long?
im christian. but i found this freakin’ hilarious. :L
I’ve got big news for you all: Ready? Here it comes:
GOD DOESN’T CARE
Hahahaaa!! This is so funny.
This is mint!! number 4 sums it up!
I love these!
lol if i go to hell for not believing in God, its…here it comes…ALL HIS FAULT, i say HIS because most religious people are sexist
Wow, I was on the fence (clarity for you christians: I could not decide whether to believe in Jesus or not), but after reading, it makes more sense. Now I am definitely atheist! Thank you!
I loved the rainbow one! Long live atheism!
These had me rolling on the floor! Thanks, I needed that!!
Comment to Angie, although that comment was from quite a long time ago, but hey, I can’t help myself.
I’m quite open minded. I used to believe in Christ myself, until I started looking into the facts. You believe in gravity, correct? Do you believe it because you feel it in your heart or because science has made it clear it is so? Do you believe in Jesus solely because you feel him in your heart, or has “he” been implanted there by the “beliefs” of thousands of others. Think of if you had never gone to church, never read the bible, never had the chance to hear of Jesus’s awesome shit. Would you, and only you, “feel Jesus in [your] heart?” Would you confess your belief in a dead and very fictional being to everyone around you? I think not. And that is why your and all other religions are so powerful; The number of followers behind them. Convince 1.5 billion people that snails can bring you eternal life and we’ll start worshipping those as well. That is what irks me the most about any chosen religion; the passion on which people blindly follow them. If you had been raised under a Buddhist teaching, the chances are you would whole-heartedly believe in that. I am definitely an advocate for living one’s life with standards and good will for all, but you should consider why you believe what you do, whether you are living your life by a gut feeling and the opinions of others or out of your own thought process.
@Angie
So, you’re totally insane? We’re all a figment of someone’s imagination…but you’re not…but you’re somehow communicating with us without being a figment of someone’s imagination? We don’t exist, but you do. How exactly do you talk to that which does not exist?
Oh, and to answer your question, grass is green because chlorophyll absorbs all wavelengths but green, which it reflects, which is what we see. Did you ever take bio I? Did you ever take high school?
And how do you define reality exactly? Do you touch it or are you imagining it (well, you would know imagining, believing in god and all, wouldn’t you?). Well that’s very simple. We have dreams, we have imagination, which leads us to believe that what we experience when we are concious is reality. However, supposing it is an imagination, it is so real, and all of us are experiencing it…so it becomes our reality. Yes, I can prove that grass is green. Surprise.
Can I see the air? Well hydrogen and oxygen dont tend to be too visible, but I’m still breathing. Things light on fire. Fire requires oxygen. Therefore oxygen is there.
God is all loving, unless you don’t believe in him, due to an astoudning lack of evidence, at which point he condemns you to hell. Seems pretty paradoxical to me.
Sorry, did I overload your small processing capacity back at the what is reality part?
HYDROGEN AND OXYGEN, I’M SO STUPID.
Sorry, NITROGEN and oxygen, ignore the stupidity, hydrogen and oxygen is water. Oops. Nitrogen, really. And a small bit of Argon.
awesome possums
Thanks for the laughs! Enjoyed immensely! Cheers
to be honest i just read this expecting at least one religious person to bless your sole and tell you they know you will soon find god and repent and blah blah blah… and i did!
” Oh, you can feel it. I feel Jesus in my heart therefore I KNOW HE EXIST! ”
made my day =]
nice post!
LULZ
There are some very funny sayings there, and some very true ones!
@ Angie.
We’ll be in denial? What is there to deny? You religious fools are the ones that are in denial. The cold hard fact is that RELIGION is a fairy tale.
Religion is something that gives poor souls hope, I suppose false hope is better than no hope, though.
As a believer in God, the #44 WWJD one was somewhat offensive, but a friend introduced me to: WTFWJD? and that one’s worth its weight in GOLD… still makes me laugh.
I have also seen an anti-porn Christian group use: Every Time You Play With Yourself, God Kills a Kitten.
Fun? No. Hillarious? Absolutely.
Also, when differentiating between religion and personal belief, I could not agree more with: All religion is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry. ~ Edgar Allen Poe.
The best part about it, is that it applies to fundamentalism of all kinds (including Atheist). Funny-ass list nonetheless – made for some good laughs
and my new favorite holiday slogan: Actually, If You Look It Up, The Winter Solstice Is The Reason For The Season
hahahaha
Summer,
I just had to say that this was by far the highlight of my year reading this. I deal with religious prejudice everyday of my life and to see other people’s outake on it makes me smile. And to read “angie”s response just made the whole thing so much better. To show how religious people are so close-minded that they can’t even laugh at a few jokes is amazing.
I freakin’ love this list! I want T-shirts with these printed on them. I’d love to wear them to my Sunday school class every week when I’m not cutting it.
Very good collection, maybe those christians might wake up one day and smell the coffee.
Ohho ho ho.
You atheists are the only funny ones around here! Keep up the good work!
First off, these were funny, nuff said.
Secondly I would say how ignorent religon is but then someone who Is truely in denial will come and bash the hell out of me because there god told them to so I said nothing of the sort…or did I? Because in fact no one can know more than who thay are, No one is wise enuff, or smart enuff to know the truth so except that its unknown and when you dye find out for yourself… Woof.
i think these are some awesome quotes from people and the sorry people who get mad about it are just afraid to hear the truth because it will alter their perception of what they call reality but when the lsd wears off burn your bibles and realize it was all just a bad trip
Where’s my God Damn Bible at.
To quote Ayla: “I used to believe in Christ myself, until I started looking into the facts. You believe in gravity, correct? Do you believe it because you feel it in your heart or because science has made it clear it is so?”
To quote Eykal: “grass is green because chlorophyll absorbs all wavelengths but green, which it reflects, which is what we see…Can I see the air? Well [Nitrogen] and oxygen dont tend to be too visible, but I’m still breathing. Things light on fire. Fire requires oxygen. Therefore oxygen is there.”
Oh, you two must be right. You totally went out and studied molecules in nature, actions and reactions of a human mind, etc. and have discovered everything for yourself about gravity, why we see colors, and how oxygen exists. You’re totally not just blindly following someone else who tells you that is how things work. I’m not trying to say that isn’t how things work, how should I know but that I blindly follow the word of some scientists who “Convince[d] 1.5 billion people” (Ayla), but I am saying don’t be so quick to judge someone lest you be judged.
I am a Christian and I worship God, and, though I do not agree with any of these sayings, I’m all the more saddened by those that call themselves Christians but do not act as such. Unfortunately, those will be the kind of ‘christians’ that you will more often run into. My suggestion to them is that perhaps they read the Bible that they so quickly claim a little better and see what it has to say about being slow to anger and quick to forgive.
“Wow, I was on the fence (clarity for you christians: I could not decide whether to believe in Jesus or not), but after reading, it makes more sense. Now I am definitely atheist! Thank you!”
That’s just sad (and pathetic). Your beliefs must be truly powerful to be based on jokes… I guess it’s true what they say, “If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.”
Who says anybody has to be sensitive to your belief in zombies, ghosts, talking donkeys, sticks turned into snakes, Noah’s ark?
I am a deconvert, meaning I used to have the god deal swallowed hook line and sinker. What changed me? Seminary-
Good work Summer- I can’t believe how many Xtians just HAVE to reply-
wait god is coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just kidding
It took me one year of research and understanding to successfully be converted into an atheist. There is no doubt that god is a fallacy. Although there is nothing wrong in believing in god.
It’s your Hell, YOU burn in it!
May I please steal this? I will definitely give you credit. Classic!
@Ben and anyone else who wants to use this please do. We didn’t write it ourselves, we found it over at http://scienceblogs.com/grrlscientist/2008/01/top_fifty_atheist_tshirt_and_b.php
very funny! …some very odd comments though.
If god is omniscient and in control, why do churches all over america have locks on the doors?
freakin brillant =), logic for the win!
It took me one year of research and understanding to successfully be converted into an atheist. There is no doubt that god is a fallacy. Although there is nothing wrong in believing in god.
I just wanted to comment on the last part. For many people believing in god is ok, but I believe that isn’t the case. Most of our wars and bombings are because of religion. You know, if you look at the charts of intelligence, we were right up there, until the idiotic Christians went and killed us off… I feel quite sorry for anyone who still believes…
And just a cute fact, (I don’t know how accurate, just something I heard.) If Jesus was real, would he not be dark skinned? He was from the Middle East people…
The only reason he is white is because Christians are racist.
And I recommend you play this clip, it’s hilarious.
http://www.damnedifgodexists.com/blog/2010/05/14/bible-contradictions-quiz-show/
I’m a Christian and I was humble enough to Not be offended and actually find some of these funny. And some of the reasoning behind these jokes I can understand where they are coming from
Hilarious! My favorite is, “My dinosaur ate your Jesus fish.”
It never ceases to amaze me how angry and vitrolic people get when you poke a little fun at their imaginary friend in the sky. Where did their sense of humor go? ATHEIST AND PROUD OF IT!! Keep laughing.